Shcrap

S*&# + Crap = Shcrap

This week has been shcrap.

Like shcrappy shcrap.

The Monday before Thanksgiving,

I found out I was pregnant.

We were terrified. 

We were shocked.

We were ecstatic.

It was not planned...at all.

But we've learned over the years that we can't really expect anything planned.

Our kids like to do their own thing when it comes to when they join our family.

We had only told a handful of people because we knew what the common reaction would be from people. And it wasn't a positive one. I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing,

"Wow, you guys must be SO busy!"

"SO are you done now?"

"When are you guys going to make it permanent?"

 "Is John going to get snipped?"

 "Are you having your tubes tied?"

Frankly, it's none of their business. Our family plan, when we dcide to add children to our family is between me, John, and God.

Fast forward to Sunday night when I started spotting and feeling like something was wrong.

Monday morning I went in to have my blood drawn to check my HCG levels and found out they were lower than they should have been for how far along I was (8 weeks).

Fast forward again to Tuesday afternoon when I started having some awful, sharp pain so my doctor had me go into the ER.

They did an ultrasound where we were fortunate enough to see a cute little heartbeat and everything looked perfect. That was at about 6:30 PM.

We got home around 10 PM and that's when all hell broke loose. Literally the second I walked in the door. It was an awful night full of all sorts of details I won't go into.

Wednesday morning, I got in to do another ultrasound where they found that the perfect little peanut and heartbeat we had seen the night before, wasn't there.

Sometime in the 4 hours the night before from the ultrasound and when we got home, the baby passed away and my body took over.

I had a D&C done late Wednesday night and have been home resting since.

I'm not writing this post for sympathy and pity. While I am truly grateful for the love and support both John and I have recieved the past few days, I am writing to just simply let people know in a way that I don't necessarily have to talk in person.

Is that selfish or weird?

Maybe.

But I just really would rather not break down in front of you.

I'll be fine.

I am fine.

It hurts and will continue to hurt for a while. I know anyone that has gone through this understands.

I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the gospel and the Plan of Salvation.

I am so grateful for the 3 beautiful, amazing, perfect children I do have.

I am so grateful the love and support of my friends and family who have been there and let me sob into your shoulder and have helped with my kids.

I am so grateful for an amazing husband who has been my rock. I'm not the only one who lost a baby. He did too.

We know there is one more child for us to raise here on this earth. I don't know when that will happen or when we will have the blesing of doing so, but I can't wait.

I can't wait to have my enitre family here with me.

That will be perfection.



Why yes, it has been that long...

2 months.

Yes. It has been 2 months since I've blogged. So what have we been up to?

Lots.

 Lots and lots.

Shall we do this pictures?

Yeah, I think that'll be the best way to do things.

So here ya go, the past 2 months in the life of the Matern clan...

Someone got tired while they were playing.

Sibling love...no seriously. They adore each other.

Bubs on his first day of nursery...

Someone excited about being Spiderman for Halloween.



Daddy and his baby girl.

Rapunzel and her cousins... 

This little monster kills me. I adore him.

Helping Dad rake the leaves.

My adorable little bat.

Life has been super crazy the last few months, hence the lack of blogging. And it's only going to get more crazy. Life with 3 kids is an adventure, to say the least. But, I can't imagine my life without any of them.



The big 3-0

Today is the Hubs birthday. He's 30 now. Talk about old man. It's ok, he knows he totally robbed the cradle when he married me.

K, I actually hate that phrase,

"robbed the cradle"...

Anyways...

And since it's his birthday, that means that he's sick.

Yep.

 So sick.

 And I feel so bad.

But this honestly happens EVERY. YEAR.

Without fail, the week of his birthday, it starts with the kids. The puking, the vomitting, the diarrhea.

(Yep, I totally just said diarrhea on my blog...)

Then it's me, then him.

ALWAYS the week of his birthday.

(Sorry folks, he's taken.)

So, since Hubs is passed out on the couch feeling like death, my plans for today have gone out the window.

Sorry babe. We'll celebrate as soon as you can stand again.

(At the hospital when Bubs was born.)

I love you.

We'll aim for heathly next year.

Summer ramblings...

Sometimes life is crazy. K, maybe life is crazy ALL THE TIME.

Especially when you have 3 kiddos ages 3 and under, a husband who works 40-60 hours a week, and an awesome job teaching what you love twice a week. 

The Matern family is BUSY. I never would have thought we would be so busy when our kids are still so young. And it's only going to get busier the older they get.

I can't believe that summer is almost over. I feel like we haven't really done anything, but yet we've done so much. Dance classes for Goose are starting up in the next week or so, which also means that I will be starting my Musical Theater teaching gig here shortly as well. Goose is so excited to be doing ballet again this year as well as tap.

But enough of the boring stuff. Let's get to the part you really love, pictures. Cause let's face it, my kids are adorable.

(Don't mind the quality on some of these, they were all taken with my phone cause frankly it's very convienent.)



We chopped Goose's hair.

And we all LOVE it.

My crazies after church.

Camping with the fam over the 24th of July. This is the first decent family picture we have of the 5 of us...Can you say family pictures in the fall. Yes. Yes, you can.

This kid KILLS me. Kills me cause seriously the cutest darn thing ever, and kills me cause he drives me absolutely CRAZY. And I thought Goose was dramatic...

I have been sealed to this man for 4 years. It has been the most stressful, crazy, emotional, hardest, fun, life-changing, and the best 4 years of my life, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

(Yes, you read that right. We have only been married for 4 years and we have 3 kids ages 3 and under. That's how we roll folks.)

Do I weigh about 50 pounds more than when we got married?

Yes, I do.

Have I ever been more stressed in my life.

No, I haven't.

Has my house ever been cleaner for more than 5 seconds?

No, it hasn't.

Do I listen to crying children all day long?

You'd better believe it.

Do I get greeted each day with a huge hug and kiss from a man that I absolutely adore?

Oh yeah.

Have we created 3 of the most beautiful, crazy, hilarious children in the world?

Yes, we have.

Do I absolutely LOVE my life?

You know it.

And I have it all because I have a very strong belief that because I made the choice to be sealed for time and all eternity to the man I love, that I will be able to be with him and our children FOREVER. Like, forever forever. And I say that's AWESOME. Pure awesome.

Where has the time gone?

I find myself asking this question ALL OF THE TIME.

Where does the time go?

(Playing at Grandma Wing's house on the 4th)

I cannot believe that summer is already half over. There are so many things that have happened that I haven't written and honestly, I don't think I'm gonna ever get around to it.

(Making silly faces is a new favorite game in our house.)

Life has been a little crazy around here the last month or so. We've run into some issues, I guess you could call them, with Monkey Boy and we've had to frequent Primary Children's Medical Center because of it.

(My handsome baby. He's smiling and laughing all the time now, well when he's feeling good, but I can never get it on camera)

We found out that he had some floppy tissue (Laryngomalacia) abstructing his airways that had to be surgically fixed, and he has SEVERE acid reflux that is causing him to aspirate when he eats. No fun. It seems like it might be slowly inproving with the 3 different medications he is on, but we'll find out for sure in a couple months. If it doesn't improve to where his doctors want it to, they might ave to do surgery to help.

Fingers crossed.

Other than that, we've just been enjoying our summer and trying not to go too crazy.

Ok, maybe it's just me that's trying not to go crazy, but oh well.

(This kid kills me. Hilarious. He's such a boy and has me wrapped around his finger.)

3 kids is hard. I struggle. I struggle on a daily basis. And although there are days that I have to remind myself multiple times that I love them and I can't throw them away,

I really do love them and wouldn't trade having them in my life for anything.

(We spend many a day outside doing this...)

Monkey boy is 3 months old now. Sometimes I can't believe that he's that old, but at the same time, it feels like he's been here forever. 

Oh how much my life has changed these last 3 months and I love it.

Remember that one time when...

...I used to blog a lot more often?

... I used to actually take pictures of my kids? (Poor Monkey Boy has been home from the hospital 3 weeks and I think I've taken maybe 3 pictures. Yeah, I'm awesome.)

... I would actually attempt to make myself presentable for the day instead of hoping that MAYBE when the Hubs gets home I can get 5 minutes to take a shower or even just put on some clean underwear?

... my house didn't look like Hiroshima 24/7 no matter how hard I try to pick up after the 3 little people that live here? (Actually somedays, I dont try very hard...)

... I used to make something other than spaghetti or ravioli everynight for dinner?

... my bedroom didn't smell like diapers? Cause it does.

... I had more than 5 seconds of interaction with the Hubs before we both totally crash after the kids are asleep? (K it's probably more than that, but it sure seems like 5 seconds.)

... sometimes, being an adult SUCKS.

... cancer can TOTALLY suck my big toe...among other things.

... I work with THE most awesome people ever?

My life really is awesome. I know it sounds like I'm complaining,(ok maybe I kind of am...)but I'm sitting here laughing at myself while I type all of this.

Am I crazy busy and stressed to the max?

Yeah.

Is my house a total disaster that if anyone came to my door and wanted to come inside I would honestly tell them they couldn't come in?

 Yep.

 Do the 3 little things I get to call my children drive me absolutely nuts on a daily basis?

 Sure thing.

But I love it.

 I love them.

 I love their Daddy.

 He's pretty much the most awesome-est person ever. Fur relz. (Sometimes I like to think I can talk gangster, er, gangsta... Word.)

 So even though the majority of the time I probably stink, am covered in children-who-knows-what, am exhausted beyond belief, and usually can't remember something you told me 5 seonds ago...

these people make it awesome.

Love

I am in love with these kids.

I have lots to update on, but frankly I am exhausted. It's good exhausted though. Cause I'm loving having all of my kids home with me.

So for now, until I can muster up a little more energy,

Enjoy...

He's home...

...and we're loving it.



So close I can almost taste it...

But I'm trying to not let myself get too excited. Nolan is doing amazing considering where he has come from. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks from the day he was born and 7 days away from his due date, May 10th. All along we've been told and have told ourselves to expect a date closer to his due date for when he'll be able to come home. As that day gets closer, it's so hard to not to get over excited just in case he doesn't make it home by then. But hey, the kid has surprised me before!

Nolan is beginning to take more and more of his feedings by bottle and we're keeping his fingers crossed that maybe by tomorrow he'll have his feeding tube taken out and be taking ALL feedings by bottle. Woo-hoo! He's also way down on his oxygen, but this is what will most likely keep him there. Even though it's a lot better than what it was, he's still got a little bit to go before he can be off of it. After he's off oxygen, keeping his oxygen saturations up, is taking all his feedings by bottle, and is continuously gaining weight everyday, then he can come home.

For the first time in 3 weeks, I feel like there is a little light at the end of the tunnel. Progress is being made and my baby will come home. Eventually. He has soo many people that love him praying and rooting for him to come home.

The past 3 weeks have been the craziest of my life and I never want to repeat them again, but I wouldn't trade them at the same time. I have learned so much about so many different things that I wouldn't have if not for this experience. Modern medicine is amazing and I am so grateful to have been born in a time when such serious complications, for both me and Nolan, could be controlled and we could be made well. Prayers are answered even if you don't feel you are being heard or you feel you aren't worthy enough to recieve the blessings and answers. The power of the Priesthood is amazing. I honestly believe that my son would not be here if it weren't for the many blessings he has recieved. My husband is my rock. I have been a wreck the past few days, for obvious and not-so-obvious reasons, and he has been amazing. I love him so much and am so grateful and blessed to be sealed to such and amazing person. My family, immediate and in-laws, and friends will do anything for my little family. I cannot even begin to show and give thanks enough for all they have done in the last 3 weeks. Between watching Goose and Bubs while we go to the hospital, bringing us food, letting me break down on their shoulders, and just calling to check in. I have been humbled to the point of tears more than once during this whole experience.

We're almost there buddy, we're almost there.

14 days

It's been 14 days since my little buddy was born. And it has been the most trying 14 days of my life. He's come a long way from where he was, but he's still got a ways to go before he'll be home.

I am so blessed to have this little person in my life. He has already taught me so much and I feel honored that he chose me as his mama. He was a sick, sick little boy when he was born. Not only were his lungs not fully developed, but he developed pretty bad pneumonia, and 4 days after he was born he got a spontaneous double pneuomothorax, which basically means that he developed a hole in each of his lungs so air was collecting in his chest cavity putting pressure on his lungs not allowing him to breath. Saturday April, 16th was probably the scariest days of my life. They ended up having to put 2 chest tubes in and we just had to wait and see what happened. He was almost transported to Primary Children's Hospital, but luckily they were able to get him stablized so they didn't have to. I will forever be indebted to the doctors and nurses at St. Mark's for saving my son's life.

The chest tubes came out a few days later and everything has healed up on it's own. An absolute miracle. He is such a little fighter.

We were finally able to hold him this last Saturday, April 23rd. Not only were we able to hold him, but since he was off the ventilator, we were able to give him his first bottle as well. He's eating!! Such a huge step. He still has a ways to go on his eating, he has to be able to eat a lot more during one feeding to be able to come home, but it's progress!

He's also now holding his body temperature, so they've moved him to a different room in the NICU where he doesn't have to be under the warmers all the time. He's still on oxygen through a cannula in his nose and will probably be on it for a while longer. He's got a ways to go on that. But once he starts eating everything he needs to and gets off the oxygen, hopefully he'll be able to come home. We don't have any dates as to when that will be, but we know that he's where he needs to be to get better.

We love our little man and cannot wait for him to get better so we can really snuggle him and never let him go. John has been my rock through this whole experience and I don't know what I would do without him. I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood and for all of the blessings and prayers that have been given to and in behalf of Nolan, myself, and our family. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. But, I am so grateful for the testimony builder it has been for me.

Trust me, I've been struggling. But like I said before, I know that Nolan is where he needs to be to get better and I just need to be patient and have faith that he will get better and will be home before I know it.

I love you buddy. Come home to Mama soon k?