Shcrap

S*&# + Crap = Shcrap

This week has been shcrap.

Like shcrappy shcrap.

The Monday before Thanksgiving,

I found out I was pregnant.

We were terrified. 

We were shocked.

We were ecstatic.

It was not planned...at all.

But we've learned over the years that we can't really expect anything planned.

Our kids like to do their own thing when it comes to when they join our family.

We had only told a handful of people because we knew what the common reaction would be from people. And it wasn't a positive one. I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing,

"Wow, you guys must be SO busy!"

"SO are you done now?"

"When are you guys going to make it permanent?"

 "Is John going to get snipped?"

 "Are you having your tubes tied?"

Frankly, it's none of their business. Our family plan, when we dcide to add children to our family is between me, John, and God.

Fast forward to Sunday night when I started spotting and feeling like something was wrong.

Monday morning I went in to have my blood drawn to check my HCG levels and found out they were lower than they should have been for how far along I was (8 weeks).

Fast forward again to Tuesday afternoon when I started having some awful, sharp pain so my doctor had me go into the ER.

They did an ultrasound where we were fortunate enough to see a cute little heartbeat and everything looked perfect. That was at about 6:30 PM.

We got home around 10 PM and that's when all hell broke loose. Literally the second I walked in the door. It was an awful night full of all sorts of details I won't go into.

Wednesday morning, I got in to do another ultrasound where they found that the perfect little peanut and heartbeat we had seen the night before, wasn't there.

Sometime in the 4 hours the night before from the ultrasound and when we got home, the baby passed away and my body took over.

I had a D&C done late Wednesday night and have been home resting since.

I'm not writing this post for sympathy and pity. While I am truly grateful for the love and support both John and I have recieved the past few days, I am writing to just simply let people know in a way that I don't necessarily have to talk in person.

Is that selfish or weird?

Maybe.

But I just really would rather not break down in front of you.

I'll be fine.

I am fine.

It hurts and will continue to hurt for a while. I know anyone that has gone through this understands.

I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the gospel and the Plan of Salvation.

I am so grateful for the 3 beautiful, amazing, perfect children I do have.

I am so grateful the love and support of my friends and family who have been there and let me sob into your shoulder and have helped with my kids.

I am so grateful for an amazing husband who has been my rock. I'm not the only one who lost a baby. He did too.

We know there is one more child for us to raise here on this earth. I don't know when that will happen or when we will have the blesing of doing so, but I can't wait.

I can't wait to have my enitre family here with me.

That will be perfection.