He's home...

...and we're loving it.



So close I can almost taste it...

But I'm trying to not let myself get too excited. Nolan is doing amazing considering where he has come from. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks from the day he was born and 7 days away from his due date, May 10th. All along we've been told and have told ourselves to expect a date closer to his due date for when he'll be able to come home. As that day gets closer, it's so hard to not to get over excited just in case he doesn't make it home by then. But hey, the kid has surprised me before!

Nolan is beginning to take more and more of his feedings by bottle and we're keeping his fingers crossed that maybe by tomorrow he'll have his feeding tube taken out and be taking ALL feedings by bottle. Woo-hoo! He's also way down on his oxygen, but this is what will most likely keep him there. Even though it's a lot better than what it was, he's still got a little bit to go before he can be off of it. After he's off oxygen, keeping his oxygen saturations up, is taking all his feedings by bottle, and is continuously gaining weight everyday, then he can come home.

For the first time in 3 weeks, I feel like there is a little light at the end of the tunnel. Progress is being made and my baby will come home. Eventually. He has soo many people that love him praying and rooting for him to come home.

The past 3 weeks have been the craziest of my life and I never want to repeat them again, but I wouldn't trade them at the same time. I have learned so much about so many different things that I wouldn't have if not for this experience. Modern medicine is amazing and I am so grateful to have been born in a time when such serious complications, for both me and Nolan, could be controlled and we could be made well. Prayers are answered even if you don't feel you are being heard or you feel you aren't worthy enough to recieve the blessings and answers. The power of the Priesthood is amazing. I honestly believe that my son would not be here if it weren't for the many blessings he has recieved. My husband is my rock. I have been a wreck the past few days, for obvious and not-so-obvious reasons, and he has been amazing. I love him so much and am so grateful and blessed to be sealed to such and amazing person. My family, immediate and in-laws, and friends will do anything for my little family. I cannot even begin to show and give thanks enough for all they have done in the last 3 weeks. Between watching Goose and Bubs while we go to the hospital, bringing us food, letting me break down on their shoulders, and just calling to check in. I have been humbled to the point of tears more than once during this whole experience.

We're almost there buddy, we're almost there.

14 days

It's been 14 days since my little buddy was born. And it has been the most trying 14 days of my life. He's come a long way from where he was, but he's still got a ways to go before he'll be home.

I am so blessed to have this little person in my life. He has already taught me so much and I feel honored that he chose me as his mama. He was a sick, sick little boy when he was born. Not only were his lungs not fully developed, but he developed pretty bad pneumonia, and 4 days after he was born he got a spontaneous double pneuomothorax, which basically means that he developed a hole in each of his lungs so air was collecting in his chest cavity putting pressure on his lungs not allowing him to breath. Saturday April, 16th was probably the scariest days of my life. They ended up having to put 2 chest tubes in and we just had to wait and see what happened. He was almost transported to Primary Children's Hospital, but luckily they were able to get him stablized so they didn't have to. I will forever be indebted to the doctors and nurses at St. Mark's for saving my son's life.

The chest tubes came out a few days later and everything has healed up on it's own. An absolute miracle. He is such a little fighter.

We were finally able to hold him this last Saturday, April 23rd. Not only were we able to hold him, but since he was off the ventilator, we were able to give him his first bottle as well. He's eating!! Such a huge step. He still has a ways to go on his eating, he has to be able to eat a lot more during one feeding to be able to come home, but it's progress!

He's also now holding his body temperature, so they've moved him to a different room in the NICU where he doesn't have to be under the warmers all the time. He's still on oxygen through a cannula in his nose and will probably be on it for a while longer. He's got a ways to go on that. But once he starts eating everything he needs to and gets off the oxygen, hopefully he'll be able to come home. We don't have any dates as to when that will be, but we know that he's where he needs to be to get better.

We love our little man and cannot wait for him to get better so we can really snuggle him and never let him go. John has been my rock through this whole experience and I don't know what I would do without him. I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood and for all of the blessings and prayers that have been given to and in behalf of Nolan, myself, and our family. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. But, I am so grateful for the testimony builder it has been for me.

Trust me, I've been struggling. But like I said before, I know that Nolan is where he needs to be to get better and I just need to be patient and have faith that he will get better and will be home before I know it.

I love you buddy. Come home to Mama soon k?

Nolan William Matern

Tuesday April 12, 2011 will be a crazy day that I will always remember. I went in for my weekly doctors appointment, fully thinking that I still had a week and 2 days till this baby was coming. I had had a really rough weekend and was so excited to be in the single digit countdown. Well, my body had differnt plans. My blood pressure was up and not going down and I was in so much pain that I was startign to have to take a lot pain meds just to be able to function. Between the two of those things, my doctor felt that it was a better for me to not be pregnant anymore than risk me getting even more sick.

As happy as I was to FINALLY not be pregnant anymore, I was terrified. I was just barely 36 weeks, and even though I had had the steriod shot to help his lungs develop faster, we knew there was chance that he'd have to be in the NICU. I was so scared for my baby, but knew that in order for me to get better, I needed to not be pregnant anymore.

After being monitored for a few hours until my doctor could be there, at 9:30 PM, they took me back to the operating room. John joined me a few minutes later and at 10:05 PM, Nolan William Matern was born. He was 7 lbs 1 oz, and 20 inches long. He came out crying, but the little stinker kept holding his breath, so they took him to the NICU. I literally got to see him for about 30 seconds before they took him away. Talk about rollercoaster of emotions! Luckily, John was able to go with him and be with him while they worked and got him hooked up  to the machines.

I got taken back to my room, while John was with him. It was such a bizarre feeling, knowing that I had just had a baby, but he wasn't with me and knowing that I wasn't going to be able to hold and snuggle him for a while.

I'm still struggling with it. I hate that I don't have a baby in my room with me. It's hard to even believe I even had him, and then I try to move and the pain reminds me. Now, I know there are lots of babies who are much more sick than Nolan is, but it's so hard seeing my tiny little man with tubes down his throat and wires all over the place.

He is doing much better than he was those first few hours after he was born. His oxygen levels are coming down (YAY!) and they are slowly weaning him off some of the medications that he's been on. He not out of the woods, by any means, but he's better. He will probably be here for a little while longer and most likely not be coming home with us.

It's ok though. He's here where he needs to be to get better and he has awesome nurses and doctors with him all the time. I can't wait for the day that I'll be able to hold and snuggle him rather than just touch and hold his hand. John has been amazing and I know I couldn't do this without him. I know he'll be fine. I know that he'll come home when he's strong enough and ready to. But, OH MY HEAVENS I wish I knew when that was going to be.

I'll be updating as we find out what's happening and as we continuw on this little journey of ours.

Quiet Time

Ever since Goose decided a few weeks ago that she didn't need naps anymore (saddest day of my life), we've been having "Quiet Time" everyday when she would normally take a nap. 95% of the time she just plays in her room and occasionally she'll fall asleep playing. The other 5%, she tells me she has to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes just so she can come out of her room.

Usually Bubs takes his nap during this time too, so it's a nice break for me. It's "Quiet Time" for me too. And I love it.

Why?

Because the majority of the time, I do absolutely NOTHING. It gives me a chance to just turn my brain off and relax.

(Hence the randomness of the rest of this post. This is what's going through my mind right now... Oh, and there's a picture at the end if you read the whole thing. Cause that's why people read blogs anyway. It's all good, I'm the same way.)

Kind of like today, right now. My house is silent and I'm blogging. Granted, even blogging is more than I usually do. My poor husband.

I keep promising myself and him that once I have this baby, I'll have more energy again to actually keep our home looking like civilized people live here instead of pack of wolves.

 Yeah... we'll see what happens.

We finally (I've been telling Hubs for MONTHS that it wasn't going to work, he disagreed, I said I'd believe it when I saw it...) attempted putting all 3 carseats in our car this past weekend (We have a Hyundai Santa Fe) ... let me just say (much to the Hubs disapointment) we're going to be looking into getting a minivan here shortly.

I have 15 days until my world is turned upside down. I'm scheduled for a C-section on April 21st unless I go into labor before then. That will put me at 37 weeks and 2 days. And it can't come soon enough. This pregnancy has been killer. My body just HATES being pregnant.

Bedrest when you have 2 kids under the age of 2 is nearly impossible. Just in case you were wondering...

You'd think that taking two 7.5mg Percocets at night before bed and Bubs FINALLY (*fingers crossed*) sleeping through the night, I would feel pretty rested. Yeah. You'd think so wouldn't you?

I'm pretty sure that the smell I smell when I walk into the kitchen is the dishes in the sink that need to be done. Huh, maybe later.

Bubs is finally walking. He still prefers crawling, but if he's pulled himself up he'll usually walk first till he falls down and crawl the rest of the way. Way to go dude.

Goose's birthday is in less than a month and I have no idea what I'm doing for it. I really want to have a fun, little friend party for her and to make it really special, but the reailty of the fact that I will have had major abdominal surgery barely 2 weeks before and having a brand new baby are kind of ruining my plans.

I miss my husband. No, he didn't go anywhere. We've just been so busy lately that any "us" time has been pretty non-existent. By the time he comes home, we've eaten dinner, and put the kids to bed, I'm in so much pain that it's time for me to take my meds and pass out for the night, and he's also exhausted from working all day. I feel like a terrible wife. (Suggestions are appreciated...)

On a lighter note, I love my life and I love my family.

This post, I feel, is sufficently long enough. And I think "Quiet Time" is coming to an end seeing as Goose has come upstairs 3 times in the last 10 minutes asking to go potty.

That was really refreshing. Both "Quiet Time" and spilling my guts to whoever actually reads this. Props to you.

Hehe. This just makes me laugh. I love this girl.

Ooo, one more. I really want a pair of TOMS for my birthday. They look so comfy. Just sayin'.

Ode to Bubs

One year ago, I was in the hospital holding my brand new baby boy. After such a rough pregnancy, the relief of FINALLY having him in my arms was, well it was

PERFECT.

This past year has been an absolute whirlwind to say the least. Adjusting to life with 2 kids was pretty crazy and then finding out that we were adding #3 so quickly was not anythign we were expecting. But, I think the lessons we've learned and are learning are truly meant to be. 

In honor of this little dude's birthday, I just wanted to tell you some of my favorite things about him...

• Bubs loves cars and trucks. It's so cute to watch him play and  make "Vroom" noises.

• He has the cutest little dimples like his daddy that I hope never go away.

• When he crawls really fast, he says "Go go go!".

• He's still a snuggler...when he wants to be.

• He's SUCH a boy. I knew that he and Goose would be different, but he is all boy. I love it. 

• I'm glad that he's starting to stand up to Goose and not let her get away with taking his toys or screaming at him. Yes, it often turns into a sceaming match between them, but I'm glad he's toughening up.

• His little voice is adorable. He doesn't have as many words as Goose did at this age, but I could just listen to him jabber ALL DAY LONG.

• His eyes are BEAUTIFUL. They are so blue and his eyelashes are killer. 

• I love how in love he is with his daddy. He doesn't leaves his side as soon as he walks in the door from work. And if he wakes up at night, he won't let me snuggle him, it has to be daddy.
  

I love my Bubs. My life changed for the better the moment we found out you were coming to our family. I am so excited to watch you grow and develop this next year and to see the relationships you develop with your older sister and your little brother. Our life as a family is going to get crazy here shortly, but we can all do it together. 

I love you monster boy. 

Stuck

So, the other day I was sitting on the couch (something I do A LOT these days) while Goose was having "quiet time" in her room when I heard Bubs crawling around the kitchen. I wasn't paying much attention to him when I heard him starting to whine a little bit. My natural reaction was "Oh come on Bubs, your fine.", so I glanced over to see what he was doing.

I started laughing so hard.

I'm pretty sure he was trying to get a ball that he had been rolling around and got stuck. The best part was that once he saw that I was paying attention to him, he was perfectly happy and stayed in there for about another 5-10 minutes till I took him out. He was so proud of himself. 

He's such a BOY and I love it.

(PS, Goose still lives here. I realized that a lot of my posts lately have been focused around Bubs. There are 2 reasons. One is that she won't let me take pictures of her and when I do get one, they're usually really goofy looking. And two is that I have a post coming up soon all about her and her new "purple room". Don't worry, the wait will be worth it.)